Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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