the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
