its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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