I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
