shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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