i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
