my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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