seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
