2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
