i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
