Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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