Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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