I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
