Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
