We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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