Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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