Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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