i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
