My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Someone shit on the floor
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
