forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
