Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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