...so i touched it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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