I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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