all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
my liver is dry heaving
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
