naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
