Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
