happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
