Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
