Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
