Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
