I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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