i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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