the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
