Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
