I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
