I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
