it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
