hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
