Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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