while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
