Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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