I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
