i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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