I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
3 2 1 whiskey
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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