the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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