ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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