I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
