You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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