my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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