Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
