wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
