the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
