my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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