Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
